Table 144

I'd like you to meet "Giada." She's the long, thin pillow in the middle that Mel refers to as her "girlfriend." When your wife is pregnant, she snuggles Giada at night and not you. It's rather sad, especially when you wake up to her crooning softly in her sleep about parmesiano origiano. To counter this sad estrangement, I've decided that Rachel Ray is MY new girlfriend. And when Rachel takes on Giada at Iron Chef on November 12 I'm confident my girl will take home the trophy. Especially because she's paired with the *real* chef.

I hate you, Giada.

The fact that Mel has put up websites telling me to immediately change my post to read "Parmigiano Reggiano" or else "you won't get any friends" reflects the deep divide in our household that this obsession with Giada's breasts has caused. But I'm not changing it. So there.